A revolving door of sorts...

You guys- I think I’ve finally figured out how to achieve what I’ve been working toward for the past 4 years. Remember how before I felt so upset about the frustrating and difficult process of building a website? Remember how I felt like everyone else seemed to just ‘get it’ but I couldn’t? And how each time I tried to enlist the help of someone else, I ended up feeling used? Well, I think I’ve made a breakthrough.

As we know, I am in the constant pursuit of pattern recognition. My drive has continued to be “I want to create things that streamline the learning process- by taking my mistakes and hard lessons learned, and sharing my findings so others can avoid them to begin with. I enjoy efficacy, and helping people.

But you know what I am learning? Not everyone wants answers or solutions. In fact, many people actively avoid them. Partially because a solution requires action or change, partially because most people just want to be heard, and mostly- because people tend to want to find out on their own. Honestly, I don’t blame them, really. In my own experience, when someone continually provides solutions and answers, I tend not to trust them. But why? That makes no sense, I think to myself. Then I remember something my therapist pointed out to me: “When you choose to do the work on your own, you integrate the necessary changes so much more effectively than when someone else simply tells you the solution.” I know the distrust comes from my history of abuse. Someone who simply presented solutions without explanation historically has been someone who is trying to control me. That makes sense based on my own lived experience. Where my therapist has always been so effective with me though, is that she asks me questions, rather than providing solutions. She doesn’t connect the dots, I do.

In the past year, I have really put in the effort to reclaim the parts of me that I had felt bullied into hiding ever since I auditioned for a tv show because I was ‘bored and wanted to see if I could do it’. Rather than defending my unapologetic Stripper Self, I sought out to simply show my audience just how good I actually am at performing, and why a stage is my favorite place in the world. There’s a reason I was great on tv. Partially because my storyline was controversial and exciting, partially because I actually can cook, but mostly because I am a performer.

And it wasn’t without consequence. I have steadily gained and lost followers for the past year- it’s a revolving door. People come for the girl they most recently saw on Hulu, but leave when they don’t understand that the 3 months I spent filming doesn’t hold a candle to the 31 years I have been on a stage (15 of them in clubs).

Creating almost ten different feature shows this year reminded me exactly that: the tv show was a very small portion of my life. The only reason it carries so much weight is because of its reach and visibility. I have accomplished more this past year than I did while I was on that show, and most importantly- I am fucking proud of it. I’m not hiding in someone’s apartment afraid to go outside because someone will try to hurt me (which literally happened while the show aired) and I am not feeling the need to explain myself to absolute strangers who invested a few hours of their time into watching a highly curated tv show. This past year allowed me to revisit what I am really good at, and even further, it gave me the insight that there is both a space and a need for the skills I have to offer- outside of food.

So, to bring it all back nicely to my initial statement: I think I’ve figured out how to achieve what I’ve been working toward for the past 4 years: creating a space on the internet where I can share my gifts, skills, and offerings to an audience who supports them. I would tell you about it right now, but I think it’s best suited for another post. Stay tuned…

xo,c