Courtney Confidential

Or; how reading a kitchen classic infuriated me beyond belief, and it had nothing to do with the actual text.

 

What was initially written as a memoir, and an expose of sorts, Kitchen Confidential has now become a required reading for anyone in the restaurant industry. Full of information previously known only to those who put in the hours working a Line, rearranging a walk-in, or waiting for a fish order to arrive, Kitchen Confidential gave the typical Diner a unique look at how restaurants operated behind the Pass. Anyone who claims to be a fan of food knows who Anthony Bourdain is- even the people who don’t know anything about food know who he is. Actually, especially them. So, it’s with only slight embarrassment that I share that until only very recently have I read the book from cover to cover.

My introduction to Tony was similar to the rest of my culinary ‘education’- on YouTube. I watched clips of No Reservations, Parts Unknown, and whatever else I could find while clicking through suggested videos on my couch in the early 2010s. Tony gave me a second-hand experience of travel. He’s the reason I know that when you go to a cafe in Paris, you pay up front, and can stay there all fucking day. He’s the reason I prefer a restaurant with a handwritten, limited yet ever-changing menu, over a laminated, spiral bound 14-page one (cough*Cheesecake Factory*cough). He is also the reason that when I travel, I prefer to eat where the locals do, and I’d choose a hole in the wall over a franchise any day. Get on a plane to travel somewhere far away only to eat at a Margaritaville? No thanks. I’d rather enjoy a fresh coconut cut open by a local before my very eyes with a machete on the beach while getting a sunburn- that’s a travel experience.

I barely knew anything about Anthony Bourdain during my time on tv, but what I did absorb contributed to my general knowledge of cultural foods and classic techniques. And after everything that happened with my being on tv, I actively avoided consuming food media just because it bubbled up too many emotions I didn’t want to deal with. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve felt ready to dive back into the food world-  as simply as being open to watching Parts Unknown again, or posting a few images of the things I’ve been making in the privacy of my home kitchen. So while I was reorganizing some costumes for an upcoming show I was working on and I found a copy of Kitchen Confidential hiding in a bin in my closet, I thought to myself- okay, maybe I’m ready to dive into this.

Friends, it took exactly 20 pages of reading before I had an absolute meltdown. MELTDOWN!! To the point of sending photos to my friends, screaming in all caps, and swearing up and down that I was just so angry I didn’t know if I could finish the book. And nothing of it had anything to do with Anthony Bourdain.

As I was reading, I noticed specific quotes, stories, and references that were horrifyingly familiar to me… Almost like I knew where the narrative was going before I even read the words. But I had never read this book before. I don’t really know how to say this, but I was learning in real time that my abuser, who had worked in kitchens ‘all through nyc’ had literally used and regurgitated excerpts from this book as his own life experience.

Okay, I know. Yes, many people identified with Tony, and his book was a very true representation of working in kitchens at the time- but this was different. This was how my abuser targeted, groomed, and manipulated me into a relationship with them that eventually turned into me moving across the country, and working in the kitchens of chefs that ‘did him wrong’ just so he could make an appearance and say he was ‘with’ me- like some sort of sick vengeance. I realized he literally wore Tony’s personality like a costume to get close to me, and eventually take advantage of me. Yeah, the guy could cook, but he had no identity of his own, and had a BAD history of running through restaurants in 3-6 months when they didn’t just give him free reign and put his name on the menu. In therapy land we call this grandiose ideations of importance.

I talked with my closest friends, the ones who actually had the displeasure of meeting my ex. “Tony would have hated him, Courtney. He would have seen right through him” or “Please give the audiobook a listen, Tony reads it and it will help to rewrite the narrative and experience” and “Wait, he said that to you? That’s like the most famous line in the book!” They were ready to ride at dawn.

I went through this wild wave of emotions. First, I wanted to underline every single quote and reference that I recognized as stolen. Then, I wanted to stop reading the book entirely. And then, as I kept going, and the quotes and references became fewer and fewer, I realized: This motherfucker didn’t even finish the book. He just read enough to gain the information he needed to be perceived in a way that would benefit him. Which is exactly on fucking brand for this particular asshole. After that, I chose to just finish the book, and enjoy it for what it was- a great fucking read.

My favorite part of Kitchen Confidential is the afterward. In it, Tony essentially apologizes to the reader (and the subjects of the past 300 pages) for just about everything he said. He explains that he has now learned more, grown a lot, and had a shift in the perspective he was initially coming from. This behavior is notably something my ex would never engage in, and it’s what sets Tony apart from most people out there in general.

It made me think a lot about how while I was on tv, I was encouraged to explain “what will happen if [I] don’t win”.

“The judges need to know, Courtney.”

I had not yet been ‘out’ at a stripper, and knowing my siblings, grandparents, cousins, teachers, friends, and the rest of the literal world were all going to find out about my job at the same time (because its a globally aired program) was terrifying.

I was scared, and felt I should apologize, rather than be proud of what is literally a legal job that was paying my bills. That, backed up with the requests for at home footage of me ‘reading mail’ to make it appear I was struggling and sacrificing my self worth to work in a club all contributed to what viewers saw and consider a ‘victim mentality’. The majority of my audience was given an introduction that was fabricated and poorly presented, which made it that much harder when I chose to correct the narrative.

It’s been 11 years, and I’m finally in a place where yeah, I still get the hate, yeah people still ‘come for the food’, but at the same time, they are now seeing the whole of me, and it’s their choice whether to stay or go. Perhaps my ex wasn’t confident in their identity, and they also needed to learn the lesson of figuring out who they are rather than ‘oh this personality worked for him, maybe it will work for me, too’. I definitely have some empathy for that, but none of it excuses their behavior.

I’m glad I chose to be brave and read this book cover to cover. I like to think Tony would (while he’s not about reality tv competitions) at least understand the dynamic of my experience, and further condemn my ex for their behavior. But also, he probably wouldn’t think twice about it because he likely would have a plane to catch and a dinner reservation to make.