Or: How I fed myself while I was empty inside

Or: How I fed myself while I was empty inside

** This is not a recipe post, this is a explanative post about how I managed to feed myself well while I was experiencing some of the lowest emotional periods of my life. There are no definitive recipes below, but there is however,  a 'formula' for low energy cooking, should you find yourself in a similar situation. TW: experience with depression, and mentions of ab*se.

 

Freshly divorced, very broke, and angry at just about everything… making food was not fun for me between 2021-2023.

 

Over the course of 7 years, food had been slowly converted into a subject of argument. Don’t forget, my abuser was a ‘former chef’. While they were bitterly ‘recovering’ from restaurants, aka: left the industry, I was… idk, the 'famous' one- or at least the one with more notoriety. There was a lot of resentment toward me because of that, and it came out in how I was treated.

 

To them, I was never the ‘chef’, the ‘foodie’, or whatever endearing pet name you could think of. I was the Stripper, the Celebrity, or the Sugar Mama- and it wasn't said nicely, either. It was said with a derogatory tone, always. If I could go back to each time they called me a SUGAR MAMA... it's activating every time I think about it. Now I realize how indicative it was of how they perceived me, as supply. My hindsight sees it clearly- another level, layer, shade, and accessory to the abuse I endured, but never deserved.

 

Anyway, back to food.

 

I made a lot of one-pan, and sheet-pan meals. Partially because I didn’t have any saucepans anymore. The All-Clad Stockpot/Strainer combo and 6qt sauce pan were on the list of things I was supposed to have. They were non-marital assets I had receipts for, and were to be returned to me per court documents. But for whatever reason, I never got them back. I was no-contact with my abuser by then, so it wasn't worth it go go after those items, I had to let them go. I was also just far too depressed and emotionally exhausted to wash dishes, so the less I had, the better. Meals that had easy cleanup, made their own sauces, or could be eaten with rice, were common. For simplicity purposes, I ate so many unpeeled, roasted veggies (skins are great sources of fiber) and close to zero animal proteins.

 

Why did I not eat animal proteins? Well, I was not functioning at a high enough level to. Hows that for honesty? Yes, it’s more cost effective to purchase a whole chicken, break it down, make a stock, and freeze the parts…. But when you’re depressed, and healing from being judged and abused for putting leftovers in the microwave (‘a real chef doesn’t have a microwave, Courtney’), that chicken is likely to go bad right there in its lil vacuum pouch in the fridge if you don’t move it into the freezer soon. And if it does make it to the freezer, you need to plan to thaw and prepare it, otherwise it still runs the risk of going bad in its packaging. So when that happened twice in a row, and the guilt of wasting food piled right on with the depression… you can see how there was a need for a shift.

 

I also felt that my kitchen was so small, and my emotional capacity was zilch. I was convinced I couldn’t clean or sanitize my space properly enough for butchery, and decided to just avoid it altogether. And, if I’m being entirely open and unapologetic, my gut biome was dead, so *everything* made me sick. (Please take your probiotics and eat fermented foods, it’s important).

 

During my climb out of rock bottom, I would fall into such a state of Freeze that I just couldn’t move. I set repeating 6h timers to take the dog out, and miraculously painted a face on each evening that read as approachable and ethereal. I was working the highest paying job I had, (the club) and quietly releasing the badgirlpage on instagram. For a while, the only community I had was online. I was living in a new city, in a new state, and didn't know anyone. The only person I spoke to regularly was my Therapist. It hurt when I was rejected from one of my safe spaces once my Sworker lifestyle became known in my extremely conservative town. The establishment felt it was only acceptable to serve me as an act of charity, because "that's what Jesus would do", and once I learned that, I removed myself altogether. We don't do that here.

 

Again, back to food:

 

I was depressed to a point that I was not eating enough to go *through* my groceries, either. It would just go bad in the fridge. So my diet became shelf-stable, local, and in-season. That looked like a lot of spice blends, grains, and dried beans.  Which, is kinda what my abuser preached a lot of the time (extending to husbandry of animals, the concept of ‘slow food’, and homesteading). Part of what I struggle with often is that my abuser made excellent points in some aspects, although it does not excuse for a MOMENT the way they treated me. My Therapist and I decided that this was an opportunity where I could practice duality, in that my abuser was both knowledgeable, and treated me poorly. 

 

I kept a digital scale in the bathroom to ensure I didn’t lose too much weight. Something I struggle with when I’m depressed is my ability to eat, so as long as I didn’t drop below a certain number, everything was ok. When I did get close to that ‘danger number’ I’d supplement with meal-replacement shakes, protein pouches designed for athletes, and high-protein bars. At one point, I had a grocery-box-delivery service just so I could take the thought process out of cooking, and focus on nourishing my body. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. Duality.

 

So, here's what I ate:

One-pan, stove top dinners

Sheet-pan oven dinners

Dinosaur Nuggets

Lots of tofu

Lots of pasta

Tons of skin-on root vegetables, and frozen vegetables

Pounds and pounds of rice

Lots of dry herbs and spices

No dairy, eggs, or anything else that could 'go bad'.

If I was on an upswing, I'd treat myself to bone in, skin on, chicken thighs, cooked the same day I bought them.

And Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

  

When I felt good enough, and I wanted to do something nice for myself and others, I made cookies. Peanut Butter, Chocolate Chip, and White Chocolate Macadamia. I’d bring them to the club with me, and the staff would get wide-eyed with excitement for “Coco’s Cookies’. As things got better, and eventually, when I moved into a nicer place with a larger kitchen, I got back into cooking in a way that brought me joy.

 

I think my biggest takeaway from recognizing those patterns was my ability to adapt and improvise in order to survive. There are tons of cookbooks and recipes for things to eat for events, holidays, and celebrations, but there isn't really anything for when we are so depressed we can’t even shower. That is why I am sharing this. Food is such a loaded subject for me because it’s not just necessary to live, but I have a lot of personal history with it, too. For a while it felt like each meal was an opportunity to become activated, triggering flashbacks to arguments, and teetering on the borderline of psychosis and neurosis, and then polarizing the two. In therapy we called it 'Splitting'.  It was a lot of work to manage those emotional waves. I'm proud to say though that these days my adventures in the kitchen are more enjoyable.

 

Formula for a Sheet Pan Dinner:

 

Root Vegetables or frozen vegetables, cut to be similar in size so everything finishes cooking together. Tomatoes are a good choice, they'll burst and make their own sauce.

Source of protein- raw and thawed or fully cooked and frozen (think raw bone-in, skin on chicken thighs, or frozen, fully-cooked chicken nuggets.) I don't recommend cooking something that is raw from frozen. It will take too long. Tofu, tempeh, and rinsed canned beans are also good choices.

Herbs/Spices/Salt/Olive Oil

Sheet pan: Lined with parchment

Oven: Broil

Timer: 20 min increments

Condiments to serve alongside. Whether salsas, ketchup, chutney, etc…

If you have some leftover white rice from takeout, or the energy to cook it, that’s a great addition, too.

Bone-in skin-on chicken thighs, herbs, tomatoes and potatoes. I probably let this go for an hour.

xo,c

 

Back to blog