What is a 'Depression Sweater"?

What is a 'Depression Sweater"?

 

I used to have an oversized wool cardigan that I purchased during a brief stint in a luxury retail store. It was not cheap- it was Virgin Wool, and retailed for something like $600, but with my employee discount, I got it for maybe $100. It had large snap buttons, and two big pockets that I lovingly daydreamed about filling with fruit. I had so much love for this sweater; it was large enough to wear over costumes, perfect for pre-show warmups, and the buttons made it accessible without ruining my hair and makeup. I loved that sweater.

 

When I was deep in my abusive marriage, my abuser liked to dig at me each time I’d put the sweater on. They began calling it my ‘depression sweater’, telling me that every time I put it on, I was choosing to have a bad day. It sounded like this:

 

Me, in the other room getting dressed: “lets get coffee at XX, and then stop by XX for xyz…”

My Abuser, walking in: “I mean, we could, but you’re wearing your Depression Sweater today, so I doubt we’ll get anything done. Every time you wear that thing, you’re in a bad mood and it ruins my day”.

Me: *silence*

My Abuser: “See, you’re doing it already.”

 

This manipulative tactic is called Negging. Defined as ‘a form of emotional manipulation that involves making backhanded compliments or comments to undermine someone's confidence and make them dependent on the manipulator's approval’. Let me explain how this pattern unfolds..

 

After repeating this pattern enough times, I became conditioned to not want to wear the sweater, because every time I put it on, I *did* have a bad day. Not because I chose to- but because my abuser took the opportunity to berate, judge, and critique me for wearing it. It was an opportunity for them to instigate a fight with me, and then twist the subject into being my fault because I wore the sweater. When things got really bad- we’re talking screaming fights over my choice of clothing- I finally got rid of the sweater. I don’t remember if I donated it, or tossed it, but I got rid of it in an attempt to show my abuser that I was ‘choosing’ to be ‘better’. But the sweater wasn’t the problem, and the abuse kept coming.

 

After my divorce, I found myself thinking about that sweater often. Whether it was a chilly day, or I was working in a club with cold dressing rooms- I had a need for an oversized sweater, and I didn’t have one. I would get angry thinking “ugh, just another thing I was manipulated out of…” to the point where I decided that I had the skills, patience and resources to make my own.

 

I found a knitting pattern that fit the criteria: oversized, slouchy, big sleeves and pockets. I told myself I could sew on buttons if I wanted, and I’d make this one machine washable since the last one wasn’t. I was going to reclaim the term Depression Sweater, and I was going to reflect on the abuse I endured, and the growth I had made since, while knitting it. I even chose to make it yellow -the color for courage- because I knew this was going to be an emotional ordeal. The first one took a very long time to complete. The same way I was conditioned to ‘have a bad day’ when wearing the original sweater, I was having flashbacks and spiraling while knitting the new one. I didn’t even make the pockets the first go around, because I just wanted it to be done.

When I finished it though, I began making a second one almost immediately. I wasn’t done processing all of what came up, and I decided I did want pockets, and I wanted a little more shape and structure in the shoulders. I wasn’t experiencing the dreaded flashbacks anymore, and the times I did spiral- I was recovering faster and faster. In short, I was *healing*.

 

Today, I have completed four renditions of the Depression Sweater- and while many try to encourage a change in the name, (‘safety sweater’ or ‘comfort sweater’) I’ve chosen not to. I have reclaimed the term, and now proudly say it as an act of resistance toward my abuser. Each one I knit becomes a sort of armor, with each stitch an affirmation of my own self love and worth.

 

If you’d like a Depression Sweater for yourself, I’d be happy to make one for you. The process has become something of a meditation, and you can be sure that it will be charged with good intentions and energy.

xo,c

The OG Depression Sweater and the first recreated Depression Sweater

Click here to order your own Depression Sweater. They take roughly 4-6 weeks to complete, unless you choose to pay in installments. Otherwise, they're completed once the installments are.

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