Sharing my story with Lanette and Alexis- on their podcast for the 'Young and Divorced'
A few weeks ago, I went on my annual Pilgrimage back to Philadelphia- notably the place that feels the most like home to me. I’ve made this trip the past three years and each time I do, I jam-pack my itinerary with performances, shows, photoshoots, and this time- a Podcast interview. You can’t blame the Capricorn in me for wanting to make the trip a business expense, and in a city that’s filled with so many talented artists- most of whom are my friends, it would be silly not to.
I was first approached by Lanette about the podcast in early summer. She pitched doing a zoom interview- not knowing I was already planning on making a visit up north. We agreed to a zoom call just to reconnect because, well, we hadn’t seen each other in almost a DECADE. I didn’t even know she had gotten divorced. We had a lot to catch up on, to say the least.
Something Lanette and Alexis did for me through this experience that was incredibly thoughtful was how sensitive they were to my story. They had seen what I had posted on my instagram- which was vague but clear enough to understand that my situation was different than theirs. I was going to be the first person they discussed DV and Ab*se in general with, and they wanted me to be in control of how that conversation was approached. They wanted to outline flow of the interview before we even hit record, and avoid any subjects that didn’t align with my boundaries.
We agreed on important things like providing resources to listeners who may be in similar positions, and referring to my abuser as they/them as to not give them any more attention that would fuel their narcissistic supply. In short- these ladies were well-researched, educated, and prepared.
When I arrived for the interview, I was presented with a delicious buffet of Mediterranean food, non-alcoholic beverages, and beautiful fresh flowers. They even had a copy of Everyday Fancy in the kitchen. We were naturally chatty, and had to catch ourselves a few times saying ‘save it for the podcast’ when the tea began to spill. When we finally sat down to record I got very nervous, understandably so. We were going to discuss some things that unlike in therapy- were not in confidence, and were in fact going to be heard by many, many people.
Thankfully, I was wearing my Depression Sweater. Not that I planned on wearing it because I knew I’d be nervous, but more like, what better item to be wearing than the one I made myself in reclamation of my power? We began, and I eased into the conversation.
At the end of recording, we realized we had talked for almost two hours (thank you editing), and in the spirit of recognizing patterns, I reflected on the flow of our conversation and how intricately intwined all of these facets of my life were. The Virgo in me could draw a map of it for you. Something about calmly sharing my story from a grounded and regulated headspace allowed me to have a shift in perspective like I hadn’t during therapy; I was able to remove the emotion, the judgement, the reactive and activated parts of me to focus on the facts.
I was a girl who was already very much sitting in her own power. I was excelling in many portions of my life, and thought I could audition for a tv show as a sort of adventure or project. I didn’t realize that I was building a house of cards in doing so. The tv show led to my toxic relationship, which tore me out of the city I called home, and threw me into a whirlwind of seeking a happiness that I had been coerced to abandon. What is so interesting to me is how throughout the past ten years, Stripping was the one consistency- which, in our interview, we discussed in great depth as a bit of a come-down from the deeply personal tough stuff. I gifted them a copy of My Best Stripper Self while we vowed to one day go to the Strip Club together.
The interview is a rollercoaster. It starts off a slow climb, followed by steep drops, dizzying spirals, and finally returning to a place that feels safe, while reveling in the fact that I made it out alive. If you watch the YouTube video, you’ll see me stimming by circling my thumbs and tapping my fingers, and then finally getting comfortable in a cross-legged position. My hopes in everything that I share, is that it lands with someone who needs it, and it proves itself useful. I will not let my experience be for nothing.
If you, or someone you love is experiencing a toxic or ab*sive relationship, I know firsthand how difficult it is to see it for yourself. Something that was incredibly effective in my healing was rather than being *told* I was in a toxic situation, I was guided to a place where I could come to the conclusion myself. That looks like people actively listening to what I had to say, and then both repeating my words back to me, slowly and without judgement followed by asking clarifying questions so I was able to explain the situation thoroughly while listening to the words that were coming out of my mouth.
When you learn a lesson yourself, you are so much more likely to not repeat it than if someone were to just tell you not to do it, or avoid it to begin with. Not many people like to be told what to do, but they DO like figuring something out for themselves. It builds self trust, autonomy, and confidence.
I’ll leave you with the same sentiment I tell myself: You’re doing a great job, keep going.
xo,c
Click here to watch the YouTube video
Click here to listen on Spotify
Click here to follow @gettingthedpod on Insta
Click here for a DV resource where you can remain anonymous
The beautiful flowers from Lanette and Alexis